Gaslighting in Relationships: 10 Signs, Examples and What You Can Do
Sometimes, you walk away from a conversation with your partner feeling that something does not add up.
You remember exactly what was said, but your partner insists it never happened.
You explain that something hurt you, and they tell you that you are too sensitive.
You try to explain how you felt, but somehow the conversation ends with you apologising.
And gradually, you begin asking yourself:
Am I really overreacting? Am I remembering things incorrectly? Maybe I'm the problem?
When this happens repeatedly, it may be gaslighting — a pattern of emotional manipulation that can cause someone to question their memories, feelings and ability to understand reality.
But it is important to understand: not every argument, denial or disagreement is gaslighting.
So how can you recognise the difference? What signs should you look out for? And what can you do when your confidence in what you feel and know begins to weaken?
What Is Gaslighting?
Gaslighting is a pattern of psychological manipulation in which one person repeatedly undermines another person's trust in their own perception of reality.
It can involve denying events, changing accounts of what happened, dismissing feelings, misrepresenting situations or making someone believe that their memory and judgement cannot be trusted.
For example:
You remember your partner saying something hurtful during an argument.
When you bring it up, they respond:
"I never said anything like that. You're always making things up."
The first time, you may feel certain about what you heard.
But after dozens of similar conversations, you may no longer feel so sure.
And that is what makes gaslighting so unsettling: the harm is not only in what is said, but also in the way it can undermine your trust in yourself.
Gaslighting can occur in romantic relationships, families, workplaces and other relationships. In this article, we will focus primarily on gaslighting between partners.
How Does Gaslighting Work in a Relationship?
Gaslighting does not always begin with extreme or obvious behaviour.
Sometimes, it starts with small comments that seem insignificant.
"You take everything too seriously."
"That's not what happened."
"It's impossible to talk to you. You always make everything into a drama."
When statements like these become part of a repeated pattern of control and manipulation, they can gradually cause you to stop trusting what you see, hear and feel.
You may begin second-guessing yourself before every response.
Replaying conversations in your mind.
Asking other people to reassure you that you are not imagining things.
Or avoiding certain subjects because you already know you will leave the conversation feeling confused.
Instead of asking what is happening within the relationship, you begin asking what is wrong with you.
It is important to remember that you cannot always identify gaslighting from a single incident. Look at what happens over time, how frequently the behaviour occurs and how it affects your sense of safety and independence.
10 Signs of Gaslighting in a Relationship
No checklist can determine with certainty whether gaslighting is taking place. However, certain repeated behaviours may indicate a harmful pattern.
1. Repeatedly Denying Things That Happened
You remember a particular event, but your partner insists it never occurred.
This is not simply about two people remembering things differently. It is a repeated pattern in which your memory is presented as unreliable.
2. Dismissing Your Feelings
When you say that something hurt you, instead of being heard, you are told:
"You're too sensitive."
"You make a big deal out of everything."
"You have no reason to be upset."
The conversation shifts away from the behaviour that hurt you and becomes a debate about whether you are even entitled to feel the way you do.
3. Turning the Blame Around on You
You try to discuss something your partner did that hurt you, but by the end of the conversation, you find yourself apologising.
For example, you ask why your partner spoke to you in a humiliating way, and they respond that you made them behave that way.
Instead of taking responsibility for their behaviour, they shift that responsibility onto you.
4. Making You Doubt Your Memory
You are repeatedly told that you remember things incorrectly, that you are confused or that your account of events cannot be trusted.
Over time, you may begin questioning even things you once felt certain about.
5. Constantly Changing Their Version of Events
Your partner tells you one thing and later presents a different version.
When you point out the contradiction, they insist that the new version is what they said all along.
The issue is not simply that their account changed, but that these repeated changes are used to undermine your confidence in yourself.
6. Portraying You as Unstable or Irrational
Instead of addressing what you are saying, your partner claims that you are not thinking clearly, that you are overreacting or that you are incapable of understanding the situation.
Sometimes, these comments are made in front of other people, leaving you worried that no one will believe you.
7. Using Other People to Make You Doubt Yourself
"Even your friends think you're overreacting."
"Everyone says you're impossible to talk to."
Sometimes, these claims have no basis in reality.
But they can leave you feeling as though you are the only person who sees things differently.
8. Feeling Consistently Confused After Conversations
You enter a conversation with a clear question but leave without understanding what happened.
You feel exhausted, confused or guilty, even though the original issue was never addressed.
9. Constantly Seeking Reassurance About Your Feelings
You begin asking other people whether your reaction was reasonable.
You repeatedly check messages.
You replay conversations in your head.
Not because you are incapable of thinking for yourself, but because your confidence in your own judgement has gradually been worn down.
10. Being Afraid to Raise Issues or Express Your Opinion
You begin choosing your words very carefully.
Avoiding important conversations.
Preferring silence over another cycle of denial, blame and confusion.
When you feel that you have to question yourself just to keep the peace in your relationship, it is a sign worth taking seriously.
Common Gaslighting Phrases - and Why Context Matters
Certain phrases may appear within a pattern of gaslighting:
"That never happened. You're making it up."
"You never remember anything correctly."
"You're crazy if you think that's what happened."
"You're too sensitive. I can't say anything to you."
"Nobody else would react the way you do."
"You always make me out to be the bad person."
"If you'd behaved differently, I wouldn't have had to react that way."
"Everyone thinks you're overreacting."
But these phrases alone are not proof of gaslighting.
Someone may say something hurtful out of anger, a lack of awareness or difficulty communicating, without necessarily engaging in a pattern of psychological manipulation.
That is why context matters.
Does the behaviour happen repeatedly?
Is there space for your version of events?
Can your partner listen, reflect on their behaviour and take responsibility?
Or does every attempt to discuss what happened end with you doubting yourself?
What Is the Difference Between Gaslighting and a Normal Argument?
Every relationship can involve arguments, misunderstandings and different memories of the same event.
Two people can experience the same conversation differently, and both may genuinely believe that they remember it correctly.
The main difference is not the disagreement itself, but how it is handled.
In an ordinary disagreement, even when two people see things differently, there may still be room to listen, ask questions, acknowledge each other's feelings and explore what happened.
In a pattern of gaslighting, one person may repeatedly use denial, emotional dismissal and attacks on the other person's memory or judgement to gain control or avoid responsibility.
For example:
A response that allows room for conversation:
"I remember the conversation differently, but I understand that you were hurt. Let's try to understand what happened."
A response that may be part of a harmful pattern:
"That never happened. You're making things up again. The problem is that you're not normal."
Even here, one incident is not enough to draw a definite conclusion.
It is important to consider the overall pattern of behaviour and how safe you feel within the relationship.
Is Gaslighting Always Intentional?
This is a complicated question.
In some situations, a person deliberately tries to undermine their partner's perception of reality in order to control them.
In others, someone may use denial, blame or emotional dismissal as a way of coping, without fully understanding the impact of their behaviour.
But there is a difference between asking why someone behaves this way and asking what that behaviour is doing to you.
You cannot always know another person's intentions.
And you do not always need to prove their intentions to recognise that a relationship is affecting your sense of safety.
If you feel that you are losing trust in yourself, are afraid to express your opinion or repeatedly leave conversations feeling confused and guilty, those experiences deserve to be taken seriously.
How Does Gaslighting Affect Self-Esteem and Emotional Wellbeing?
One possible effect of ongoing gaslighting is a loss of trust in yourself.
When you repeatedly hear that your memory is wrong, your feelings are exaggerated and your understanding of reality is unreliable, you may begin to believe those messages.
The effects can appear in different ways:
Difficulty making decisions without approval from others
Feeling guilty without understanding what you did wrong
Anxiety before conversations or confrontations
Difficulty trusting your memory and judgement
Lower self-confidence and self-esteem
Loneliness or withdrawal from people close to you
Difficulty identifying what you want and what feels right for you
Not everyone who experiences gaslighting will experience all of these effects, and they can also occur for other reasons.
But when these feelings develop within a relationship where your perception of reality is repeatedly undermined, it is worth paying attention to what is happening.
How to Deal With Gaslighting in a Relationship
If you recognise some of the patterns described here, remember that you do not have to figure everything out at once.
You can begin with small steps that help you rebuild clarity and a sense of safety.
1. Acknowledge What You Are Feeling
Even if you are unsure how to describe what is happening, your feelings deserve attention.
You do not have to prove that something is gaslighting to recognise that a relationship is hurting you.
2. Pay Attention to Repeated Patterns
Rather than focusing only on one conversation, consider what happens over time.
Do you feel able to express yourself?
Is there room for your feelings?
Can the other person take responsibility?
And do you feel more secure within the relationship or less?
3. Document Incidents, If It Is Safe to Do So
Sometimes, keeping personal notes can help you organise your thoughts.
You might write down what happened, what was said and how you felt.
However, if you are concerned that your partner monitors your phone, messages or accounts, do not store information somewhere that could put you at risk.
4. Talk to Someone You Trust
Sometimes, talking to a friend, family member or professional can help you see the situation from another perspective.
Not so someone else can decide what is right for you, but so you do not have to navigate the confusion alone.
5. Set Boundaries When It Is Possible and Safe
In a relationship where communication is safe, you might try saying:
"I'm willing to talk about what happened, but not when my feelings are dismissed or I'm being insulted."
However, if you fear a threatening, punishing or violent response, directly setting a boundary may not be the safest step.
In these situations, it is better to speak with a professional who understands abusive relationships and explore safer options together.
6. Avoid Getting Trapped in an Endless Battle to Prove Your Reality
When someone repeatedly denies your experiences, it can feel as though you must find evidence that will finally convince them.
But not every conversation will end with the other person acknowledging what you experienced.
Sometimes, the important step is to stop trying to convince them and begin exploring what you need to feel safer and more confident in your own understanding.
7. Seek Appropriate Professional Support
If you are experiencing ongoing confusion, fear, control or a loss of self-confidence, professional support can help you understand the situation and consider your options.
This is especially important when there are concerns about violence or coercive control. In those circumstances, seek support from professionals who understand the complexities of abusive relationships.
Do You Have to Leave Someone Who Gaslights You?
Not everyone who recognises harmful behaviour in their relationship immediately knows what they want to do.
And the decision is not always simple.
There may be children involved, financial dependence, shared housing, strong emotions, fear of your partner's reaction or hope that things will change.
The question is not only whether gaslighting has occurred, but what is happening within the relationship over time.
Is there genuine acknowledgement of the harm?
Does the behaviour change consistently?
Can you express your opinion without fear?
Do you feel safe?
It is important to know that in situations involving control, threats or violence, attempting to leave can sometimes increase the risk.
You do not have to make the decision alone or act immediately. Professional support can help you plan for your safety.
The goal is not to tell you whether to stay or leave.
It is to help you understand your situation and make decisions with information, support and safety in mind.
How Do You Recover From Gaslighting?
Even after recognising the pattern — and sometimes even after the relationship ends, its effects do not always disappear immediately.
You may continue doubting your decisions.
Apologising without a clear reason.
Feeling afraid to express an opinion.
Or finding it difficult to trust people again.
Recovery does not have to begin with major decisions.
Sometimes, it begins with small things:
Listening to your feelings without immediately dismissing them.
Making an everyday decision without asking for approval.
Recognising when something does not feel right for you.
Reconnecting with relationships where your opinions and feelings have space.
And allowing yourself to receive support without feeling that you have to justify what you experienced.
Recovering from gaslighting is not only about learning to trust other people again.
It is also about learning to trust yourself again.
Frequently Asked Questions About Gaslighting
Is Gaslighting a Form of Emotional Abuse?
Gaslighting can be a form of emotional or psychological abuse, particularly when it is part of an ongoing pattern of control, humiliation and undermining someone's self-confidence.
Can Women Gaslight Men Too?
Yes. Gaslighting is not limited to any particular gender. Both women and men can experience gaslighting or engage in these behaviours in different relationships.
Can Gaslighting Happen Without Shouting or Verbal Insults?
Yes. Gaslighting can occur during seemingly calm conversations through denial, emotional dismissal and repeated changes to the account of what happened.
Can Someone Who Gaslights Their Partner Change?
Behavioural change is possible, but it requires acknowledging the harm, taking responsibility and making consistent efforts over time.
Promises alone do not necessarily indicate genuine change.
How Do I Know if I'm Experiencing Gaslighting or Just Being Too Sensitive?
Being sensitive does not make your feelings invalid.
Rather than trying to prove that you are not too sensitive, consider whether there is a repeated pattern of denial, dismissal and undermining your perception of reality.
If you are struggling to understand what is happening, an appropriately qualified professional may be able to help.
Does Gaslighting Only Happen in Romantic Relationships?
No. Gaslighting can also occur between family members, in friendships and in workplaces.
Where Can You Get Help and Support in Israel?
If you feel that you may be experiencing gaslighting or are in an abusive relationship, you do not have to deal with it alone.
In Israel, you can contact social welfare services, professionals who specialise in domestic violence and organisations that provide support.
You can also call the 118 Social Welfare Hotline for information and guidance relating to domestic violence and situations of distress.
If you are in immediate danger, contact the police by calling 100.
On The Voice Within website, you can find additional information about toxic and abusive relationships, rights, support services and ways to navigate difficult situations.
You Shouldn't Have to Lose Yourself to Keep a Relationship
One of the most difficult things about gaslighting is that you may not recognise what is happening while you are experiencing it.
Sometimes, it takes a long time before the pattern becomes clear.
The conversations that ended in confusion.
The times you apologised without understanding why.
The moments when you stopped trusting what you felt.
But being able to pause, ask questions and begin understanding what is happening is already a meaningful step.
You do not have to know today how to describe everything you have experienced.
And you do not have to make every decision right now.
You are allowed to listen to yourself.
You are allowed to ask for support.
And you are allowed to want a relationship where you feel safe, respected and heard.
Want More Information, Practical Tools and Support?
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You can continue learning, asking questions and moving forward at your own pace.
The information in this article is intended for general educational purposes and does not constitute a diagnosis or replace personalised therapeutic, legal or professional advice.
